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From Lonliness to Solitude

Happy Spring Equinox! Happy New Moon, Happy Ostara, hello Aries season and hello phase II of the Lyme Laser protocol! Thanks again to ALL of you who have donated to my treatment, it means the world to me.

I have officially finished 12 weeks of the Lyme Laser protocol, which has included low level laser therapy to target the Lyme bacteria three times per week, oscillation therapy to move the lymph, ionic foot soaks for detoxification, and brain training. Not to mention the strict restriction of carbohydrates including fruit to eliminate the food source for the Lyme. Now I get to slowly start incorporating beans, rice, and fruit back into my diet, woohoo! It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions, symptoms, joy, and pain these last 3 months.

When I first got to the island in December people asked me, “How’s paradise treating you?” I felt ashamed having any response other than positivity or excitement. And yet I knew that isolation leads to depression and depression can hinder healing. It saddens me thinking about how isolated it felt just a couple months ago because I’m in such a beautiful place, surrounded by so much life, and yet I couldn’t ignore my feelings and the truth is it’s both. It’s wonderful, I’m in awe every day of Mother Nature, and I was feeling more alone than I ever have before. Now that I’m on the other side of that loneliness I'd like to share that experience in hopes it can help someone else going through something similar.

January was one of the lonliest and darkest times I’ve ever experienced. I got really sick halfway through the month with a fever, intense body aches, exhaustion, and weakness. Initially I thought it was a herxheimer reaction from the protocol but after being knocked out for a few days and talking to the doctor, I knew it was something else. On day 4 I was finally able to step outside and breathe some fresh air and noticed my smell was gone. I assumed it was probably COVID but who knows, what followed the sickness was a deep and heavy realization that I am alone in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and don’t have anyone to reach out to if I needed help. Here I was on this beautiful island and I just couldn’t find happiness, I missed my friends and community so much. I almost booked a ticket back, only to realize there is no tangible “home” to go back to. Sure, I could go back to Oregon and stay with friends for a couple weeks, or Austin, or New England but as I ran through all my options nothing seemed to resonate, which made me even more sad. And after being woken up to an earthquake I got a message from Pele; "you don't have to stay, but if you do you have to be brave."

February, my birthday month rolled around and I forced myself to get out there and meet people. I started volunteering at Farm to Car, an amazing organization offering the Big Island community a co-op type of marketplace where they can shop for locally grown food and pick it up once a week. It has been really sweet meeting locals this way and gives me something to look forward to. Being of service at times of loneliness and despair can sometimes be the best medicine, and I truly find it to be part of my path.

I also found a yoga studio that I’m really enjoying, called Yoga Centered in downtown Hilo. The Wednesday night sound bath restorative class is my favorite so far, full of intention, heart opening music, and a room packed with other human beings.

I’ve made a few friends now and realize the loneliness I experienced served a purpose. I didn’t think this process would be easy but I sure didn’t expect it to be this hard. Now that I’m on the other side of the loneliness I see it as a gift, an expression of my deepest desires to live in community with others. The feelings of loneliness are being alchemized into the gift of solitude, and rest, and deeper feelings of peace. I was initially invited to be on the Big Island until March, and now it’s been extended until September, which means I can finish out the 9 month protocol here. I feel so grateful, so blessed, and in deep awe of the bigger picture.

May you see the bigger picture in the midst of hardship, too. See you soon, friend.

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